Saturn Ruled.

I have arrived at a new place on my journey of self-discovery. Somewhere unfamiliar, distant and uncomfortable. Consciously starting this journey several years ago, I would have never thought I would end up here. In many ways, I thought I had it all figured out, and that certainty felt like a shield, which I needed then. Now, I see that two things can be true at once, and that shield was also a developing cage.

“How vulnerable am I willing to be when presenting myself to the world? Why do I have so many limits?”

Identity is a fascinating concept. It can feel liberating to finally “know” who or what you think you are. However, life experiences can create tension within that rigid structure, making movement feel foreign. All in the pursuit of healing, you can find yourself more tangled than you started. Identity was what I wanted to free myself of, only to create an identity of freedom that needed freedom once again. Liberation this time looks like acceptance of things— me as I am. Why is that so hard? Ironically, I fought so valiantly to avoid my embrace, not feeling worthy enough to be still, to be seen and to receive it. The desire to prepare myself for the future was my motivation for so many years. It was my discipline and drive. Mostly steeped in unacknowledged self-loathing, so potent it could wake me out of the deepest R.E.M sleep. Living with such an alarm clock has been profoundly exhausting; words cannot express the internal fracturing it has caused.

Now, here I sit in a mess of my own making, not knowing it is art— truly knowing it is art, but feeling afraid to honour it and calling it a mess to avoid the embodiment I did all of this for. A Scorpio scared of transformation, I feel disappointed. But I see that mindset created the loop I would like to break free from.

Internalization has been my vice. Resourcfully ingesting fragments, attempting to make a whole. I was unaware that I could reject the offerings of my own mind, thoughts and judgments, initially introduced to me by someone else’s shame. It felt noble not to create any waste, but unknowingly, I treated myself like a trash can. lol how ironic.